How Should I Handle Parenting Time if My Child Doesn’t Want to Go?

Remember that the younger your child is, the fewer tools they have to express and explain their feelings. Your child may cry for many reasons. They might feel anxious, afraid, sad, uncertain, or simply tired and hungry. Sometimes, they want to please you to prevent you from being upset and may act in a way that they think makes you feel better.

It can be easy to think your child gets upset at a custody and visitation handoff because they don’t like your ex. However, that might not be a fair assumption. Frequently, both parents will make claims that the child is upset when they return to the other parent. Your child might be upset for a variety of other reasons, including the ones listed below.

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They’re Mimicking Subtle Cues That You’re Upset

Even if you don’t openly criticize your ex, you might still show your unhappiness in other ways. This can happen in unintended ways involving parenting time. For example, think about the emotional impact of these statements and gestures: 

• “I don’t want you to go, but your mom says you have to.”
• “I’ll miss you so much! I’ll be sad all weekend without you.”
• “I’m so glad you’re home! I can’t stand being away from you.”
• You refuse to leave the car or make eye contact with your ex during the hand-off.
• You’re tearful or tense every time you drop your child off.
• You cry in relief when your child returns home.

Children are great observers, but they might not understand the practical aspects of divorce. That means they’ll look to you for guidance. If you look sad, anxious, or hurt during a custody exchange, then your child may feel anxious or unsafe. They might think they are not safe with the other parent or that you are upset with them for leaving. 

They’re Trying to Validate Your Importance

Children will sometimes feign sadness to make you feel better. They might know you feel sad or conflicted about their time with their other parent.

Your child might actually feel happy to be with the other parent. However, because they know your feelings, they might believe you will feel better if they look sad or unwilling to leave you.

Change Is Difficult for Kids

Changes and transitions can be hard for children regardless of their age. Think about how difficult it was if you switched schools or moved to a new neighborhood as a child. Even if your child has a good time with their other parent, leaving you and your home may cause anxiety.

They’d Rather Do Something Else

Children’s priorities often shift as they grow older and more mature. They may naturally begin to prefer spending more time with friends and less time with their parents.

Children also often want to skip chores and family tasks. They may feel upset when these duties make them miss fun activities. If a custody and visitation schedule conflicts with a child’s own plans, either parent can experience pushback.